Buying Less = Living More

The thrill of wanting an object, dreaming of possessing it and pursuing that dream is very understandable. The lure of the shiny and new or the old and elegant is damn near ingrained in our psyche. Conversely, can things create happiness? If their use changes our lives for the better- yes. For example, if a person gets a bicycle and proceeds to ride it daily, weekly or monthly with joy, then greater well-being has been achieved. Even collections of items can support contentment or pride-in-self in some cases. However, accumulation can also spell burden and drudgery. In business psychology, advertising creates a "need state". In this condition of wanting a product or service, can people be content? When it is acquired, will another simply take it's place? The result is a possible spiral of endless yearning for more. Excluding the truly poor, what if what we have already is really enough? Whenever I stop to look at what I have, to use the things that surround me,  I feel a wealth I appreciate. Searching for things on-line can be frustrating. Driving to stores can be aggravating. Isn't it a relief whenever we postpone a day of errands? Complaining about we don't have is depressing. Wishing for what we can't afford is pointless. "Making-do" leads to creativity and individuality. Using what we have reduces artificial stress, environmental impact and financial worries. Buying less increases our ability to focus on the people we love and  the activities we truly enjoy.

Couples: Thriving over the Long Haul

A tiny fraction of couples never leave the early zest or infatuation stage. This post is for the rest of us, who love each other dearly and yet grow weary of aspects of our beloved. In addition, large bumps in the road (eg. infidelity) are often semi-resolved and crop up periodically. Finally, dominant styles of reasoning or decision making for each person can cause conflict during major life transitions for the pair. Irritating quirks and idiosyncrasies grate on partners. We must defuse the frustration they engender via humor or by inverting them into endearing qualities. Transformed into oddities we love, they lose their power to fuel anger or resentment. Major indiscretions or hurtful actions need to be fully resolved for couples to move on in a healthy fashion. If pain continues to resurface strongly, a retroactive intervention is needed. This can be achieved via a retreat together, letters of apology, some sort of re-commitment ritual or with professional assistance. I can testify from my experience in training and co-leading the Catholic Social Services  Hosea Project that many couples benefit from repairing seminars. If either party is unwilling to schedule and complete one of these methods, staying together may not be the best course of action for a happy life. Finally, couples are often unaware that ingrained, individual methods of problem solving and/or decision-making are causing conflict. One example would be partners who innately favor inductive and deductive reasoning respectively. The way the other "thinks" appears to be another language and can seem abrasive. Yet put together, they make comprehensive decisions. My spouse and I discovered this was the case. Personality styles can be a source of friction as well and a tool similar to Myers-Briggs may be helpful. Confusion about "where they are coming from" can be eliminated, acceptance of differences enhanced and trust strengthened. In summation, not all of us, like some presidential candidates, want to get a new partner every +-15 years. Efforts to embrace flaws, forgive transgressions, renew vows and repeatedly discover new ways of understanding our lovers are all essential to enjoying a long term, intimate bond.

All Three Sides are Crucial

Making Every Moment Count

Most folks I know realized life is short somewhere between 25 and 50. The precious nature of time becomes apparent. This often arrives in tandem with the loss of older kin and the acknowledgement of our mortality. My focus here will be primarily on relationships, not on accomplishments. Three areas are worthy of spotlight: shared activity, revealed feelings and generosity. Making every moment count is about living life to the fullest. The more we do with our loved ones the better. Let suggestions for shared pursuits, pastimes and entertainment flow freely. People can always decline and will let us know if we have too many ideas- an opportunity, however, may not present itself again. I think back to people I've lost and friends who have moved away and think- "I am so glad we did that together!". Grab that notion of fun or meaning and say it out loud. Proposals for action do not result in regret- at least you asked. If you feel something good about someone-tell them. The thought  might require some tailoring prior to sharing, but sincere compliments cement relationships. Saying "Thank You" out loud is also category. It means more to us than most will admit. Even in today's digital world, a thank you note or "Think of you" card can make the day or even week of another soul. One of my aunts calls me in delight every single time I snail mail her. We laugh on the phone and the series of interactions amplify. Sharing things with people is gratifying. Giving things to people who need them is helpful and liberating. I have been told I help others too much, but do we really want to err on the side of helping too little? Sharing by comrades is bonding and extended outward creates the web of community. Relish that hug as you part, make that call when you think of them, cut those flowers to bring to the party or give them that object they complimented. Impulses that are real and join us to others are some of the jewels of existence.

Planetary Paradoxes

It is critical to make good choices about money, time and the environment. At times, the conventional wisdom must be inverted to maintain sane behavior. A product sent across a vast ocean may be less expensive. However, giant ships pollute and requires tons of petroleum to cover these great distances. Can we make do with less or without? Can we afford to buy a version from this continent? Can we improvise with what we have at hand? Bearing future generations in mind, these alternatives may be prudent. Jets have enabled the upper middle class to travel throughout the world. Commuter flights  such as Chicago to Detroit, "save" time with an almost inconceivable ecological impact. Would several "extra" hours on a train really be that bad? Is the hassle and stress of the airport worth it? Could half a book be read by rail instead? I recently caught myself before driving half an hour to a medium box store to save several dollars on a tool. The time, gas, stress and more shifted the equation. The local hardware is five minutes away, has staff with good advice and costs a little more on some items. We need this place and its kin for our identity as a community. If every store is a chain, then life is not only dull, it becomes pointless to have place names at all. We could use numbers for towns because they would simply be repetitions of sameness. There was probably a science fiction story sixty years ago with this theme. Sadly, many "outer ring" suburbs already embody this mind- numbing blandness. Food choices must be included in this discussion as well.  With modified, long storage or off season produce such as the college created square tomato, is it any wonder many children don't cherish their fruits and vegetables? Are we trading off ease, profit and "efficiency" for the loss of all that is truly vital and delicious? How we choose to spend our time and money is powerful. Sometimes, we have to stop and think. The most powerful bumper sticker I saw as a child was "Malls Kill Cities".  Nationally, indoor malls are dying and this is encouraging. I feel for all who lose jobs, but this model is unhealthy. Public boycotts of products and practices can have an impact. I can recall growing up without grapes and this changed work conditions for thousands.  Our everyday thinking and choices can create incremental and cumulative improvements. Sometimes the obvious choice needs to be turned on it's head to really make sense.

Side-stepping Slights and Insults

Friends and colleagues kid each other in a facetious manner. This can be interpreted as a healthy way to "blow off steam" or signal minor frustration. Snide remarks and outright insults are another matter entirely. An individual may be seeking to get the upper hand or belittle another person for a feeling of power. Also, a stranger may make a cutting a cutting remark simply because they happen to be in a foul mood. Various strategies can be useful when we find ourselves in these situations. Bear in mind that humor as a tactic is likely to be safe only with those already close to us. It is  seriously overrated and can backfire easily. I will begin a number of familial examples and then conclude with some general tips for creating your own system of dodging these darts of human interaction. My oldest brother quietly nods when he is the target of unwarranted critique. My father sometimes responded in a  serious voice- " Now that doesn't sound nice at all". My middle brother looks at the offending party and leaves the room with little or no comment. The last one was my mother's advice to me when I had the first  truly mean boss of my professional career. She advised- " First listen carefully and calmly; then say ' You know I need to think about that- thank you ' and then go about your business". I'll add that all of these were paired with continuous, non-threatening  eye contact. It is key that whatever our response, it must not be communicated as a challenge. Vague, positive responses may suffice. I have a friend who says- "Alright, OK, alright" a number of times and this seems to work well for him. We need to indulge them without patronizing, quench their momentary thirst for power or assuage their fears. In a very real sense, the goal is to neutralize the attack, without inflicting pain or presenting any air of superiority. In essence it requires a sort of verbal Tai-Chi: stay loose and practice. Adapt these ideas or simply hone the responses that already work. I would enjoy hearing effective examples from my readers.

Happiness as an Action

Emotions by their nature are not static states. They ebb and flow. Accepting the vicissitudes of life helps us avoid despair. Contentment is an easier target than happiness, but advertising and other forces drive the average person away from this goal. The need state created by marketing keeps most folks wanting things they don't have. This challenge will be taken up in a future post. Although happiness is fleeting, it is easier to explain and operationalize. Spending a part of almost every day engaged in an activity which is truly rewarding is central to "feeling" happy. Whatever it may be, it must be healthy and reach deep enough to soothe our soul or spirit. I use the concept of "getting into the flow" or losing track of time and worries to help individuals identify the activities. The effective possibilities are diverse: weeding, knitting, running, bird watching, polishing silverware, compiling songs into homemade music cds, whittling, puzzles of all kinds, tending a fire or staring at fish in an aquarium. It cannot be associated with drudgery or obsession. Broadcast television and internet surfing are not calming or restorative. They distract, and this may even be desired at times. However, they don't cause us to hum with gladness or smile for hours afterwords. Each person has to find these activities which "flow" on their own. It does not have to make sense to anyone else. Several times I have done men's groups in which the members had to find this sort of activity and share it to graduate. The variety presented has been astounding: from model trains to yoga to frisbee golf. The goal is action which is rewarding for its own sake and does not require a perfect outcome. In the past, people often accessed this genre of activity while at rustic cabins on vacation. Some of these activities have been found to alter brain waves and contribute to improved physical health. Finally, we actually need more than one of these avocations in our quiver to allow for the seasons and inclement weather. At a minimum, one indoor and one outdoor activity is recommended.

Sorting out Stress

Simply being alive and surviving creates a natural degree of stress. Decisions must be made and efforts taken to make our way along life's path. Some stress actually promotes improvement, causing us to "up our game" and can clear the way for less anxiety with future challenges. Hans Selye called this Eustress. Overcoming tough times can also instill a healthy sort of pride in ourselves. Stress activated by major life events like deaths and disasters requires a "full stop" of routines and enlistment of all our natural allies. For the most part folks are pretty good about rallying around and making the affected take care of themselves. However, our current age of high contact and incessant communication appears to be upping the ante on stress in people's daily lives. Often at work we have very little control over the speed or frequency of demands. Paradoxically, digital and electronic "ease" has created an attention to detail which increases anxiety for all but a few meticulous souls who seem to get satisfaction from being exact. The average employee must now be more careful due to data entry requirements. We are not robots, so the result is at best a low level tension. I believe this low level, chronic sort of stress is the most insidious form. Day to day  relief and temporarily escape are critical to avoid a "snowball" effect of stress- grouchiness-mild depression- full blown depression. Maintaining awareness and consistent self-care are key here- not denying it and doing things about it. Lunchtime walk groups are one simple example which effectively split the workday in half. I spent less than 200$ on a really adjustable office chair and the reduction in my body tension and improved posture have been worth thousands. I had a colleague who wrote down their post meeting frustrations and then shredded them to vent and then let go. Humor is a powerful remedy for stress, but use it wisely in serious workplaces. What has worked before? Often we intuitively know what we need, have done it before and simply need to institute a routine. A buddy system is helpful for this and I have been overjoyed in the past when a co-worker reminded me it was break or lunchtime. Admitting we are stressed and identifying what sort it is critical. We may only need to make small but consistent changes in our routine to create a more comfortable existence for ourselves.

Benefits of being a Goodwill Ambassador

Treating people respectfully on our path in life is not a perfunctory action of etiquette. How we interact with others is integral to our soul and spirit. The waves of communication rippling out from us effect the community and beyond. Our actions create history and  our legacy. When I treat a stranger well or don't and apologize for it, my own grace is enhanced. If I am terse with a call center staff and I say "I know you are just doing what you were told", then a state of calm is more likely when I hang up. In New York City, as a child, I saw my dad say "hello" to everyone on the street. He called it 'acknowledging their presence' and it included the human beings often referred to as "bums" at the time. His mood and energy level appeared to increase as a result of these interactions. My mother was on a school board for many years and ran to be reinstated multiple times. During one of these re-election campaigns, in a poor neighborhood, an individual told her  that she was greatly admired by another voter. They had related- "I like her- she speaks". This meant she talked to anyone and everyone with respect. My mother derived much satisfaction and sense of purpose from her work on the board. Reaching out to others kindly, even for a moment, nurtures any and all present. Bystanders may be pleasantly perplexed at direct, friendly interaction which crosses the artificial lines of class or ethnicity. Even waving another driver on to cut in during a traffic jam may be a pleasant surprise. Apologizing after an off the cuff remark in public is a challenge. However, my experience has been relief and satisfaction inside myself! A whole afternoon or evening of regret is prevented,  the conscience clear and the self content.  I believe that thanking store clerks, wait staff and trades people clearly and out loud sends a message that what they do is helpful and  has worth.  This also serves to balance out the inevitable negative interactions in their lives. Finally, when we travel abroad our behavior is also critical. By representing our nation as considerate, interested travelers we lend ourselves an aura of self-respect as well.

Compromise Enriches

Winning by getting one's way is not the best outcome despite the rantings of a current presidential candidate. It's been said that it's "lonely at the top" and bullying is a sure path to isolation. In both teams and couples I believe that individuals are improved and strengthened by compromise. Learning and personal growth are enhanced by incorporating the ideas of significant others. The stereotype is "meeting in the middle". Over-rated, this method is often difficult to operationalize and can lead to both parties believing they lost ground. An honored family and school method is "taking turns". This is effective, but difficult to sustain without an executive subsystem to enforce it. Often the more powerful party slowly reasserts itself or each ends up doing their own thing separately. A simple illustration would be if a couple decided to take turns watching each others favorite TV shows. With one TV, the dominant person might prevail or with two the couple may end up in separate rooms. A cousin of mine and his spouse found a novel work-around. Each evening the couple watches Jeopardy!  together and then their own favorites in separate rooms. However, I also believe we can benefit from experiences which we might have avoided altogether. Animated films are not my first choice, but I have been surprised and enlightened by some sophisticated animated movies I was "forced" to watch. A complex method of compromise involves using ideas of each party and combining them like parts of a jigsaw puzzle. This brainstorming to consensus format is validating and compels us to synthesize. Internally, it expands our ability to empathize as well. If everyone admits what they wish for at the outset then "hidden agendas" can be avoided. Letting someone else have there own way can also be less stressful for the individual with more power, who must generally bear the burden. Finally, sometimes a "wrong" decision can be a happier one. An example would be when a friend drove a circuitous route on a joint errand. I quietly registered it as both longer in time and distance. However, we passed through a scenic part of the county I had never seen and the lack of traffic made the trip very pleasant. I'm positive I was happier and calmer as a result. My decision to "go with the flow" again led to a more wealthy experience.

Acceptance vs. Struggle

Acceptance has been lauded as a path to inner peace. From the Serenity Prayer in AA to ancient philosophers to Dialectical Behavior Therapy, we have been urged to accept what we cannot change. However, all major change in society since the dawn of time has come with struggle. My parents were at King's speech in Washington about racial equality and marched on the Pentagon to help move the nation toward ending the war in Vietnam.   If we err too greatly on the side of acceptance it is at our own peril.  Balancing what we will accept and struggling to be our best, right wrongs or make the world a better place is a difficult matter. Effort is exhausting and requires periods of rest. Requesting the input and feedback of confidentes and comrades is essential to weighing possible costs and choosing our battles wisely. For the most part our challenges in this arena are more personal. If a boring, mediocre job meets our needs, is it prudent to stay? If a boss is abusive, would filing suit change anything? If a person falls out of love with their partner, should they leave? Cost-benefit analysis can be applied to all these matters, but I believe that we are more than the sum of our cognitions. Denying our "gut" selves and sensate beings leaves us with fewer tools to make these existential and practical decisions. Do we feel deep down that acceptance will mean misery or that we are turning our back on our true selves if it isn't addressed? Perhaps standing up to a mean boss is better than feeling like a coward or victim for an entire career. Do we feel safe enough  to be between jobs for a while to gain a lifetime of contentment? If it is financially responsible this may be worthwhile. Does a person we once trusted now give us the "creeps" or jangle every nerve in our body? It may be wise to slowly take the careful steps to have a life apart from this individual. The parts of self which are deep with us and extremely sensitive at the surface must be combined with our calculating mind to reach the best  conclusions. I once went to a job interview to be a therapist in a prison. I had the usual discomfort associated with a locked setting. However, when the man who would be my boss began asking me questions, my "skin crawled".  This silent alarm only intensified and on the drive home I decided  not to accept the position no matter what. When a guy I once knew said  "you're a smart guy, I have a business to invest in"- my gut told me to flee or fight. Sure enough, he had become involved in a cleaning products pyramid scam.  I am using obvious examples to illustrate what cannot afford to be overlooked for the most holistic decision making. Take stock of your inner voice and your outer reactions. Combine these with thoughtful contemplation to weigh the risks and rewards of accepting one's lot or struggling to improve it.

Getting Unstuck and Activated

Most of us have had times when we've felt like we had cement shoes or feet stuck in thick mud. Usually one big element of our lives or a set of small things are weighing us down. A long standing dread or obstacle may also create this effect.  My definition of a complex is when part of our lives gets surrounded by so many fears and blocks that we lose the ability to cope. Encircled by real and imagined barriers to action- we freeze, close our eyes and wish they would go away. Ideally, the swiftest method is to back up, get a running start and leap over the hedge barring our path. This is done by seizing a moment of strength. A career example would be paying for a set of training(s) leading to a new certification with a single credit card keystroke. Thus "forced" to attend, a new door would open after an intense, transforming period. When change requires only one event to conquer, the presence of a loyal friend may do the trick. A terrifying medical exam, scan or test would be in this category. The most natural manner in which we plow through is when outside events compel us to use our inner strength to go "outside" ourselves. Quiet people have been known to become heroes during natural disasters, shedding their cocoons and emerging as valiant community leaders. Following the loss of a family matriarch or patriarch, the  shy sibling least likely to carry the others along may rise to the task and become more outgoing in the process. Although these quick methods are useful to remember, in most cases we need to slowly climb over the fence that has developed by embracing a life of variation and adventure. By trying things, new neural avenues are opened. Isolation and "group think" must be considered key impediments. Interactions with others outside our routine, in the community, challenge our thought processes and model diverse styles of coping and thriving. Accepting offers to attend events I had little interest in has opened my eyes and strengthened my spirit. A drive to a garden center in another county oddly renewed my professional vigor. Attending the funeral of a distant relative helped me feel more  spiritually secure- that I "have people". Often these experiments in living differently have indirect or unknown effects, yet I am convinced they build on themselves and strengthen the whole. Using this incremental model, we can revisit a challenging area periodically and may be ready to take it on with courage.

Transforming Regret into Resolve

Somewhere I read that regret may be the least useful emotion. Guilt can help keep our behavior in line with our morals. Even shame may have utility if it prevents harmful acts which might be exposed to others. Regret is personal knot within us and can lead to self-loathing or even to paralysis of action. It occurs  after an opportunity is missed, a misguided action is made or the "wrong" path is taken in our lives. Since it is  virtually inevitable and nearly universal, regret must be turned into a tool. When buried, similar choices get repeated. If others are blamed, it serves only to damage our relationships. If acknowledged and "defanged",  could these thoughts become more benign? Why not use the memories as armor with the ugly side facing outward to avoid repetition? Paradoxically, if a list of major regrets is combed for the common threads we can see possible pitfalls ahead. If financial- alarm bells need to ring prior to any decision involving money. If romance is major- the sirens need to blare before committing to a relationship. If career based- more patience and advice from others may be prudent prior to action. In effect, we need to admit a weak spot to be more ready for battle. Elements of sorrow may always remain, but if better decisions can be built on and sustained, there will be reduced fodder for being down on oneself. Metaphorically, the juices that fuel the pain of regret must flow to the strength of our resolve to act better in our own interest. This will improve our success rate when "the next time around" arrives.

Friendships in Life as a Garden

Our friendships over time resemble the plants in a garden. A few may last a lifetime, like a sturdy tree which is well planted, watered and carefully tended. Years can pass and our relationship remains strong and vibrant despite years passed or distance. These are treasures which need to be watered in a drought or covered in an ice storm. Perennials are planted which last a  good while, then may disappear after a harsh winter. These may be akin to the predominant form of friendship and we must concede their loss. They were beautiful and able to last for years, giving us much pleasure. Annuals must be found each year and bloom often. Perhaps these are like acquaintances we see sporadically. We might think we'd like to see them more often, but it just doesn't happen. Our random sightings turn out to be enough and layer our sense of belonging to a larger community. Bulbs are like the friends we see at the same place each year: perhaps the farmer's market in Spring or each Summer when the sounds of music draw us to the park. They pop up when expected. Events are embellished by their presence. We know we'll see them there, it's good and there are no other obligations. Sometimes a weed crops up and disturbs us. It may be hurting something dear to us and needs to be pulled out to prevent harm. However, it may be a wildflower which is perfect for that spot. A surprise from nature, small and unassuming- it is a joy and might become a perennial favorite. There are shade loving plants and sun loving varieties- our openness to many kinds of friends results in a lush array. Some don't flower when it's raining, like companions who retreat when we are stormy. With patience they reappear when it's sunny and welcomed back anyway. Occasionally a patch of ivy or vine gets out of control. Entangling, almost choking us, it needs to be cut back severely or its life brought to an end. It looked good at first, but like the wrong person,  it enmeshed itself in an unhealthy manner. Part of us is sad to see it go, but it must for the sake of the whole garden. Periodically, we make the effort to find new shrubs and plants, even exchanging them with fellow gardeners. This refreshes the whole and renews our journey with both challenges and novelty. Reaching out like limbs, we grasp our connection with the rest of humanity- enhancing our ability to flower and grow.