Benefits of being a Goodwill Ambassador

Treating people respectfully on our path in life is not a perfunctory action of etiquette. How we interact with others is integral to our soul and spirit. The waves of communication rippling out from us effect the community and beyond. Our actions create history and  our legacy. When I treat a stranger well or don't and apologize for it, my own grace is enhanced. If I am terse with a call center staff and I say "I know you are just doing what you were told", then a state of calm is more likely when I hang up. In New York City, as a child, I saw my dad say "hello" to everyone on the street. He called it 'acknowledging their presence' and it included the human beings often referred to as "bums" at the time. His mood and energy level appeared to increase as a result of these interactions. My mother was on a school board for many years and ran to be reinstated multiple times. During one of these re-election campaigns, in a poor neighborhood, an individual told her  that she was greatly admired by another voter. They had related- "I like her- she speaks". This meant she talked to anyone and everyone with respect. My mother derived much satisfaction and sense of purpose from her work on the board. Reaching out to others kindly, even for a moment, nurtures any and all present. Bystanders may be pleasantly perplexed at direct, friendly interaction which crosses the artificial lines of class or ethnicity. Even waving another driver on to cut in during a traffic jam may be a pleasant surprise. Apologizing after an off the cuff remark in public is a challenge. However, my experience has been relief and satisfaction inside myself! A whole afternoon or evening of regret is prevented,  the conscience clear and the self content.  I believe that thanking store clerks, wait staff and trades people clearly and out loud sends a message that what they do is helpful and  has worth.  This also serves to balance out the inevitable negative interactions in their lives. Finally, when we travel abroad our behavior is also critical. By representing our nation as considerate, interested travelers we lend ourselves an aura of self-respect as well.

Compromise Enriches

Winning by getting one's way is not the best outcome despite the rantings of a current presidential candidate. It's been said that it's "lonely at the top" and bullying is a sure path to isolation. In both teams and couples I believe that individuals are improved and strengthened by compromise. Learning and personal growth are enhanced by incorporating the ideas of significant others. The stereotype is "meeting in the middle". Over-rated, this method is often difficult to operationalize and can lead to both parties believing they lost ground. An honored family and school method is "taking turns". This is effective, but difficult to sustain without an executive subsystem to enforce it. Often the more powerful party slowly reasserts itself or each ends up doing their own thing separately. A simple illustration would be if a couple decided to take turns watching each others favorite TV shows. With one TV, the dominant person might prevail or with two the couple may end up in separate rooms. A cousin of mine and his spouse found a novel work-around. Each evening the couple watches Jeopardy!  together and then their own favorites in separate rooms. However, I also believe we can benefit from experiences which we might have avoided altogether. Animated films are not my first choice, but I have been surprised and enlightened by some sophisticated animated movies I was "forced" to watch. A complex method of compromise involves using ideas of each party and combining them like parts of a jigsaw puzzle. This brainstorming to consensus format is validating and compels us to synthesize. Internally, it expands our ability to empathize as well. If everyone admits what they wish for at the outset then "hidden agendas" can be avoided. Letting someone else have there own way can also be less stressful for the individual with more power, who must generally bear the burden. Finally, sometimes a "wrong" decision can be a happier one. An example would be when a friend drove a circuitous route on a joint errand. I quietly registered it as both longer in time and distance. However, we passed through a scenic part of the county I had never seen and the lack of traffic made the trip very pleasant. I'm positive I was happier and calmer as a result. My decision to "go with the flow" again led to a more wealthy experience.

Acceptance vs. Struggle

Acceptance has been lauded as a path to inner peace. From the Serenity Prayer in AA to ancient philosophers to Dialectical Behavior Therapy, we have been urged to accept what we cannot change. However, all major change in society since the dawn of time has come with struggle. My parents were at King's speech in Washington about racial equality and marched on the Pentagon to help move the nation toward ending the war in Vietnam.   If we err too greatly on the side of acceptance it is at our own peril.  Balancing what we will accept and struggling to be our best, right wrongs or make the world a better place is a difficult matter. Effort is exhausting and requires periods of rest. Requesting the input and feedback of confidentes and comrades is essential to weighing possible costs and choosing our battles wisely. For the most part our challenges in this arena are more personal. If a boring, mediocre job meets our needs, is it prudent to stay? If a boss is abusive, would filing suit change anything? If a person falls out of love with their partner, should they leave? Cost-benefit analysis can be applied to all these matters, but I believe that we are more than the sum of our cognitions. Denying our "gut" selves and sensate beings leaves us with fewer tools to make these existential and practical decisions. Do we feel deep down that acceptance will mean misery or that we are turning our back on our true selves if it isn't addressed? Perhaps standing up to a mean boss is better than feeling like a coward or victim for an entire career. Do we feel safe enough  to be between jobs for a while to gain a lifetime of contentment? If it is financially responsible this may be worthwhile. Does a person we once trusted now give us the "creeps" or jangle every nerve in our body? It may be wise to slowly take the careful steps to have a life apart from this individual. The parts of self which are deep with us and extremely sensitive at the surface must be combined with our calculating mind to reach the best  conclusions. I once went to a job interview to be a therapist in a prison. I had the usual discomfort associated with a locked setting. However, when the man who would be my boss began asking me questions, my "skin crawled".  This silent alarm only intensified and on the drive home I decided  not to accept the position no matter what. When a guy I once knew said  "you're a smart guy, I have a business to invest in"- my gut told me to flee or fight. Sure enough, he had become involved in a cleaning products pyramid scam.  I am using obvious examples to illustrate what cannot afford to be overlooked for the most holistic decision making. Take stock of your inner voice and your outer reactions. Combine these with thoughtful contemplation to weigh the risks and rewards of accepting one's lot or struggling to improve it.

Getting Unstuck and Activated

Most of us have had times when we've felt like we had cement shoes or feet stuck in thick mud. Usually one big element of our lives or a set of small things are weighing us down. A long standing dread or obstacle may also create this effect.  My definition of a complex is when part of our lives gets surrounded by so many fears and blocks that we lose the ability to cope. Encircled by real and imagined barriers to action- we freeze, close our eyes and wish they would go away. Ideally, the swiftest method is to back up, get a running start and leap over the hedge barring our path. This is done by seizing a moment of strength. A career example would be paying for a set of training(s) leading to a new certification with a single credit card keystroke. Thus "forced" to attend, a new door would open after an intense, transforming period. When change requires only one event to conquer, the presence of a loyal friend may do the trick. A terrifying medical exam, scan or test would be in this category. The most natural manner in which we plow through is when outside events compel us to use our inner strength to go "outside" ourselves. Quiet people have been known to become heroes during natural disasters, shedding their cocoons and emerging as valiant community leaders. Following the loss of a family matriarch or patriarch, the  shy sibling least likely to carry the others along may rise to the task and become more outgoing in the process. Although these quick methods are useful to remember, in most cases we need to slowly climb over the fence that has developed by embracing a life of variation and adventure. By trying things, new neural avenues are opened. Isolation and "group think" must be considered key impediments. Interactions with others outside our routine, in the community, challenge our thought processes and model diverse styles of coping and thriving. Accepting offers to attend events I had little interest in has opened my eyes and strengthened my spirit. A drive to a garden center in another county oddly renewed my professional vigor. Attending the funeral of a distant relative helped me feel more  spiritually secure- that I "have people". Often these experiments in living differently have indirect or unknown effects, yet I am convinced they build on themselves and strengthen the whole. Using this incremental model, we can revisit a challenging area periodically and may be ready to take it on with courage.

Transforming Regret into Resolve

Somewhere I read that regret may be the least useful emotion. Guilt can help keep our behavior in line with our morals. Even shame may have utility if it prevents harmful acts which might be exposed to others. Regret is personal knot within us and can lead to self-loathing or even to paralysis of action. It occurs  after an opportunity is missed, a misguided action is made or the "wrong" path is taken in our lives. Since it is  virtually inevitable and nearly universal, regret must be turned into a tool. When buried, similar choices get repeated. If others are blamed, it serves only to damage our relationships. If acknowledged and "defanged",  could these thoughts become more benign? Why not use the memories as armor with the ugly side facing outward to avoid repetition? Paradoxically, if a list of major regrets is combed for the common threads we can see possible pitfalls ahead. If financial- alarm bells need to ring prior to any decision involving money. If romance is major- the sirens need to blare before committing to a relationship. If career based- more patience and advice from others may be prudent prior to action. In effect, we need to admit a weak spot to be more ready for battle. Elements of sorrow may always remain, but if better decisions can be built on and sustained, there will be reduced fodder for being down on oneself. Metaphorically, the juices that fuel the pain of regret must flow to the strength of our resolve to act better in our own interest. This will improve our success rate when "the next time around" arrives.