A Good Letting Alone

My American grandmother (Helen) hailed from rural southern Michigan. She had wonderful aphorisms, many original to her family of origin. Sometimes fierce conflict occurs between two people who essentially love each other. It may be related to a matter which appears to be irreconcilable. Helen believed that a period of time without speaking might be needed. The parties are then be able to "lick their wounds" and reflect that the relationship itself is very dear to them. Important enough that the matter at hand may not even need to be completely resolved. Conversely, one party may be able to give way or apologize. In essence the break in hostilities may aid resolution. I also believe the phrase lends hope to the belief that people are essentially good and can come around.

A Horse Happily Humbled Me

On a Sunday, while visiting my friend Laura, on her farm, she asked me if I wanted to ride one of their horses. The last time I had this experience I was a teen and recalled it being both exhilarating and exhausting. I was assigned to Willy: a large, 16 year-old. I got to know him a little in the process of grooming with various brushes and thought - this is a noble animal! I was impressed at his incredible musculature. The patience and tolerance exhibited by this +-1500 lb. being- allowing me to put things in his mouth and around his neck! I forgot to ask his height ("hands") but I had to use a stand and later a fence for mounting. Willy's grace in the field was only amiss once- when he stepped on my foot! This in itself was humbling as well and a vivid reminder of the mass and power of this fellow creature of Earth. After the cool down procedures, the treats of carrots and an apple served as an unspoken "Thanks" to Willy. I drove home that afternoon feeling very serene. It seems clear we humans are but a small part of the whole of nature- welcome if we are respectful.

Patience is Zen; Forgiving is Taoist

Allowing things to run their course, others to do their thing can bring inner peace. Nodding to affirm we are listening and present, without responding can even result in unpleasant situations being shorter in duration. Closing our eyes, using other senses may provide solace when we have a long wait. Even when time seems to stand still, reflection can be it's own reward. Restraint actually strengthens our resolve.

Everyone has a dark side- to love someone or be a friend means accepting this. A balance over time occurs in all but the worst sociopaths. Perhaps nurturing the good in others is a way to bridge the current political divide. Fostering humanness and forgiving ignorance could bring some folks back from the angry edge. The courage to be vulnerable by being humble might allow us to lay down our arms. We can let our loving selves see the innocent side of those we might otherwise damn or disregard.

Cellphones: Unintended Consequences

Having a phone, computer and camera in your pocket is amazing, no doubt. How has this phenomena impacted our lives inadvertently? Some folks constantly carry their phone in their dominant hand and juggle everything else. Others wear ear or neck devices like jewelry to stay ever-ready for the latest call or notification. Ironically, there are people who will only answer their phones directly if you text them first! Any travel requires a cord/plug to keep "precious" charged up. I read that an audience member walked onto a Broadway stage in progress and tried to plug a phone into a fake set outlet! In the past in mental health waiting rooms, we worried about clients picking each other up- no more- they are staring at their phones- perhaps on Tinder. What I call "un-mindfulness" occurs in classes, conferences, parks and family dinners as people play games or go on social media to be anywhere but in the moment their physical selves inhabit. When I see drivers drifting out of their lane now, they are usually on a call rather than drunk. Are folks using less substances due to these outgrowths? I wish! The possible health risks of holding it to your head all day and enormous financial costs compared to simple landlines were not anticipated by consumers. I just hope we all reflect  on how we use them, as well as occasionally unplugging to reconnect with ourselves.

Five Extra Minutes and the Benefit of the Doubt

A small percentage of "Road Rage" can be attributed to anti-social folks and may not have a remedy. For the rest of the population leaving five minutes earlier and treating other drivers as innocent could go a long way toward reducing animosity on our roads. A substantial portion of angry drivers are anxious about being late and simply want everyone else to get out of their way. If these individuals focused on leaving for their destination with plenty of time, their lives would be less frantic and harried. In addition, these drivers are often part of a group who project negative meaning on how others on the road behave. In the anger groups I have conducted I hear projections about other drivers such as, " He was getting in my way"....Did that to mess with me".... "Knew I wanted to turn there". It became clear to these clients, through the process of the group, that strangers on the road can't read minds, have no interest in aggravating a stranger and may simply be confused or even lost. I recall my dad stating, while observing an errant driver in Manhattan: "He might be from another country and just learning how to drive". Anger at its base is the response to a threat. What if we viewed odd driving by others as strange, but without any motive directed at us? Perhaps they are just having a bad day and it has nothing to do with us. Sometimes I just wave, as if to a grouchy neighbor and proceed on my way. 

Buying Less = Living More

The thrill of wanting an object, dreaming of possessing it and pursuing that dream is very understandable. The lure of the shiny and new or the old and elegant is damn near ingrained in our psyche. Conversely, can things create happiness? If their use changes our lives for the better- yes. For example, if a person gets a bicycle and proceeds to ride it daily, weekly or monthly with joy, then greater well-being has been achieved. Even collections of items can support contentment or pride-in-self in some cases. However, accumulation can also spell burden and drudgery. In business psychology, advertising creates a "need state". In this condition of wanting a product or service, can people be content? When it is acquired, will another simply take it's place? The result is a possible spiral of endless yearning for more. Excluding the truly poor, what if what we have already is really enough? Whenever I stop to look at what I have, to use the things that surround me,  I feel a wealth I appreciate. Searching for things on-line can be frustrating. Driving to stores can be aggravating. Isn't it a relief whenever we postpone a day of errands? Complaining about we don't have is depressing. Wishing for what we can't afford is pointless. "Making-do" leads to creativity and individuality. Using what we have reduces artificial stress, environmental impact and financial worries. Buying less increases our ability to focus on the people we love and  the activities we truly enjoy.

Couples: Thriving over the Long Haul

A tiny fraction of couples never leave the early zest or infatuation stage. This post is for the rest of us, who love each other dearly and yet grow weary of aspects of our beloved. In addition, large bumps in the road (eg. infidelity) are often semi-resolved and crop up periodically. Finally, dominant styles of reasoning or decision making for each person can cause conflict during major life transitions for the pair. Irritating quirks and idiosyncrasies grate on partners. We must defuse the frustration they engender via humor or by inverting them into endearing qualities. Transformed into oddities we love, they lose their power to fuel anger or resentment. Major indiscretions or hurtful actions need to be fully resolved for couples to move on in a healthy fashion. If pain continues to resurface strongly, a retroactive intervention is needed. This can be achieved via a retreat together, letters of apology, some sort of re-commitment ritual or with professional assistance. I can testify from my experience in training and co-leading the Catholic Social Services  Hosea Project that many couples benefit from repairing seminars. If either party is unwilling to schedule and complete one of these methods, staying together may not be the best course of action for a happy life. Finally, couples are often unaware that ingrained, individual methods of problem solving and/or decision-making are causing conflict. One example would be partners who innately favor inductive and deductive reasoning respectively. The way the other "thinks" appears to be another language and can seem abrasive. Yet put together, they make comprehensive decisions. My spouse and I discovered this was the case. Personality styles can be a source of friction as well and a tool similar to Myers-Briggs may be helpful. Confusion about "where they are coming from" can be eliminated, acceptance of differences enhanced and trust strengthened. In summation, not all of us, like some presidential candidates, want to get a new partner every +-15 years. Efforts to embrace flaws, forgive transgressions, renew vows and repeatedly discover new ways of understanding our lovers are all essential to enjoying a long term, intimate bond.

All Three Sides are Crucial